Lawyer Jokes

Q:You know what the problem with lawyer jokes is?
A: Lawyers don't think they are funny, and no one else thinks they are jokes.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton

Q: If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
A: Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.

Q: What's the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that's known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that's a shame.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech>
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

Q: Know why sharks don't bite lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

Did you hear about the lawyer, the doctor, and the architect who each had a very talented dog? They used to argue constantly over who had the most talented dog. They finally decided to settle it with a competition.

The architect and his dog went first. "Go to it Gigi" said the architect. Gigi then went forth and built a scale model of the Cathedral of Our Lady of Chartres out of tooth picks. "Pretty impressive" admitted the lawyer and the doctor while the architect was giving his dog a bone as a treat.

The doctor went next, "Get at it Fido" said the doctor. Whereupon Fido went out into a field and performed an emergency Caesarean section on a cow with mother and calf coming through just fine. "Damned fine work" said the lawyer and the architect while the doctor was giving his dog a bone to chew on as a treat.

Finally, it was the lawyer's turn. The lawyer simply said "Go to it Fella." Fella went over to where the other two dogs were laying down gnawing on their bones, and proceeded to screw each one in turn, took their bones, and went home.

Have you heard that there is a hole in the fence separating Heaven and Hell?

Seems that a lot of Demons are flying through the hole in the fence and causing a great deal of trouble in Heaven. God finally got sick of it and went to the Devil; he said, "I will fix the hole in the fence if you foot half of the repair costs." The Devil replied "Why would I want to do that? It doesn't bother me if there is a hole in the fence"

God said "If you won't pay your half, I will sue you for the money!" To which the devil scoffingly replied, "Yeah? Where are you going to get a lawyer?"

I have heard that there is a growing interest in the medical community to stop experimenting on rats, and to use lawyers instead.

1) There are more lawyers than rats
2) The scientists don't get as emotionally attached to the lawyers
3) There are some things you just can't convince rats to do.