Bad Job Applicants

DOB: 9/11/1965
Position Sought: UFO pilot
Summary of qualifications: Have taken many journeys on UFOs. I have learned that piloting them is just a matter of focusing your brain waves to the stellar drive mechanism
and then it does all the work. I think I could do this.
Previous employment: Researching location for New Earth in Sigma sector.
Reason for leaving: Sigma sector's a farking wasteland, man.
Salary requirements: Twenty quatloos per parsec.
Recommendation: Jim, Bill, Dirty Mike, Curly, Crazy Lenny, and that one guy in the last tent by himself who hasn't spoken to anyone going on four years now.
DOB: 9/11/1973
Position Sought: Masseuse (legitimate parlor)
Previous employment: Let's Relax - massage chain in Bangkok
Previous position: Lead massage therapist
Reason for leaving: Needed to return to US for family matters
Qualifications: Am experienced in all forms of therapeutic masssage. Unlike in the US where there is a stigma, in Asia the massage is considered a normal and legitimate form of relaxation for busy men and women. I hope to bring this great blessing to the people in my home country.
Salary requirements: $100 an hour. What, only $3, that's ridiculous. I could consider $75. No no, $6 is far nsufficient, that's below minimum wage. I suppose I could agree to $50 for the first few months. No, I keep telling you, $7 is just not reasonable. Wait, wait, don't go, $7 it is. Perhaps with a generous tip, for extra service?
Recommendation: Mitzi is a great favorite of my wife, too. - Anonymous visitor from Tokyo
DOB: 9/11/1990
Position Sought: Sex worker
Previous employment: McDonalds
Previous position: The maitre d' there, what do you think?
Reason for leaving: Finally decided to go pro
Qualifications: Experienced like you wouldn't believe, mister
Salary requirements: $300 for 45 minutes. You can be a little rough, but that'll cost extra. Too expensive? Too bad, I'm worth it. The next guy'll pay, if you don't.
Additional qualifications: Can shoot a ping pong ball 4 feet in the air from my vagina
Recommendation: Heather always leaves me crying, or vice versa. In a good way. - "John"

DOB: 9/11/1971
Position Sought: Anger management counselor
Previous employment: Post office
Previous position: Postal worker
Reason for leaving: Laid off
Summary of qualifications: After the layoff and during the subsequent incarceration, I had time to consider my sources of stress and my reactions to them. I've learned to just shut my eyes when that feeling starts to rise, and nine times out of ten the feeling passes and I don't even act on my propensity toward violence anymore. Like when some asshole employment agency dude tells me I don't have the proper credentials for being a counselor. Anyway, I feel I have a lot of wisdom to share with others on this subject.
Salary requirements: You'll do what's right, I'm sure.
Recommendation: Sonny was always a good boy, deep down. He meant well. - Momma